more than just a whisper in your ears

And I wondered if that was how it felt to be an ocean—to be open, vast, and secretive until hitting the shore, until veiling willing bodies with violent waves of all the secrets that don’t belong on the inside.

Hours after midnight I exploded. Skin against skin unlocked the grenade and I exploded with fury and with a mad sadness that I had created a long sickly romance with. And, like an earthquake at the bottom of the ocean, my body shook and trembled from the depths of my being. It was consuming and unstoppable, and the moon toyed with my volatile tides and my skin looked blue in the darkness. I tasted like salt. 

Then the waves did come, and they came like surges of chaos being released into a patient world. Then it all made sense, and I felt free. Though, it hardly felt that easy.

Some days hurt more than others, and days turn into months and months into years, pregnant with minutes and seconds of living inside my own narcissistic head. Luckily, last night I was drunk and sad and it was my time to let go. And for a moment I was outside my thoughts, and I felt like a stranger listening to them being sobbed out loud by this weak girl I live inside. It was nice.

I have good friends. I have friends who would listen to me if I let them, but that’s something I’m still learning to do. And that’s all this is—a learning process. It’s frustrating, of course, and sometimes I think it’s a pity we only get to live once.

It’s the new year, but this isn’t my obligatory “new year post”. That was the previous post. This post is about how I hope to touch more and kiss more. I hope to hold faces in my hands and to be held. I hope to talk too much and laugh too much and not because I’m trying to mask what I’m feeling underneath. I want to mean everything I say and I hope to understand that weakness is just a step away from strength. I hope to treat my friends with the same kindness and compassion that they have always treated me with. “Because the world owes me nothing and we owe each other the world.”

I feel much better, though it is still lonely in this apartment. I’ve never really been one to feel lonely, but I guess I just miss the good people.